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As Friends and Families Age – You Can Help Make Sure They’re Financially Secure

It’s like walking a tight rope.

If you have aging family members or friends, you want to make sure they are financially stable, not falling prey to scams, and prepared for whatever may come in the future.

But how do you broach a discussion to ask if things are OK financially, if they have any concerns, and what decisions they would like to make?

It’s a hard balance to strike. You want to come across as concerned, not controlling, helpful, but not taking away their independence. Sometimes it seems easier to just avoid such conversations altogether.

But skipping a conversation can come at a high price. Fifty percent of nursing home expenses are paid out-of-pocket by families, meaning you may be contributing thousands of dollars a year for care of an aging family member who wasn’t financially secure or prepared. On average, a family is responsible for about $82,000 for a parent who needs care in a nursing home.

Beyond the possibility of requiring a nursing home for parental care, if a crisis happens – financial, medical, or otherwise – no one may know where important documents are or have a true idea of what the person in need of assistance would have wanted. Decisions are often made in a crisis, which means you may be trying to discuss huge financial steps while under intense stress and with not very much time.

In this post, we’re bringing you tips on how to discuss financial concerns and support with aging friends or family members.

Prepare for a Discussion

1. Keep those you are discussing financial concerns with, in control. Make sure they know you want to help, but you do not want to take over. Their wishes and decisions will still be at the forefront. Frame the discussion in terms of concerns you have about your own ability to assist (It’s not you, it’s me), saying if something were to go wrong, you wouldn’t know how to help.
2. Before you initiate a discussion, be sure you’ve sorted through your own feelings. You may be frustrated, scared, or even mildly annoyed. If you own where you’re coming from in advance, you’ll be more calm while you’re in the moment.
3. Ask questions during a quiet period in their lives. In the middle of busy holidays or a stressful season may not be wise.
4. Lead with love as you talk. Say you want to discuss some details because you want to be sure they have everything they need, understand where they’re comfortable, and make sure their wishes are honored. Ask them to make time for a conversation because you first want to make sure they’re taken care of, and secondly want to be able to help make sure that happens.
5. Be specific with your concerns or questions. If you’re worried they may have been a victim of a scam, let them know, and express how you’d like to make sure that doesn’t happen again. If you want to know how prepared they are for any long-term care or home health costs that may arise, ask those important questions.
6. Keep it short. While you probably have many questions, don’t make it a bombardment. Shorter conversations about just a couple of items will help everyone stay calm, and you can discuss more later.
7. Accept progress for what it is: moving the needle to become more comfortable talking about the future, about preparing well for your aging family members, and about situations that may arise. Everything doesn’t have to be hammered out and decided all at the same time.

If you’re mulling over the beginnings of these conversations or how to work through the financial details of an aging relative, you might not even know what questions to ask or what details will be helpful for you to know. We’ve outlined some specifics here for you to peruse.

What to Ask

• Have they done any estate planning? If so, who is their attorney and what firm are they with? What legal documents do they have and where? Is there a will, trust, durable power of attorney, and healthcare directive? (and if not, should there be?)
• What medical insurance do they have? And is there secondary insurance? Do they know what’s covered and what’s not? Do they have any long-term care insurance? Do they have money set aside for in-home care should they need it – and if so, how much?
• What is their regular income, and what debt payments and expenses do they have each month? Do they have a financial planner?
• Where do they keep their tax returns? Who prepares them? Where do they bank, have a brokerage account with, or other assets? If they bank online, what is their username and password?

We don’t advise throwing all these questions at them, rapid-fire. As you ease in to conversations about their financial stability, future wishes, and how to stay financially protected, these are questions you can bring up as they arise.

It’s certainly not comfortable for most of us to approach financial conversations with aging relatives or friends. But the consequences could be dire – for them and for your family, if you’re not sure what they want or need. And while aging family members most likely don’t want to admit they may need help as their physical and emotional health declines, they also may be grateful that you were brave enough to ask and want to help.